everyone around you is greiving

Category: 2018: nothing poems

my spirit animal knows this

my stay at home secret companion knows this

my tiger in the reeds knows this

my poem is as a poem does knows this

my pooh-faced cloud incarnate knows this

my soft cloud disposition knows this

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my life is not a campfire

and this is not a movie

there is a chance

we will not

survive this

take yr time

be safe

stay warm

about a decade ago

I decided, upon walking the street in a little town north of the mississippi river, to buy a van, to drive it home to oakland, to be a roadie for my friends’ bands. also, to get the fuck out of missouri. I was visiting my mom. It was a fight or flight moment. I mean, shit, the van was only five hundred dollars. what could go wrong? my driver’s license was expired, the van was not registered, had no tags, no license plates, it was a cold october morning and I said fuck it. on the way out of town, I stopped at my friends’ place, where Sean Jefferies, made me a couple of CD’s, for the road. I promptly bought a CD player and some speakers. And with barely enough gas money, save for coffee and peanuts, an engine and break lines that were slowly corroding because of the salt on the ice, think cold colorado, windy wyoming, utah’s mountainous cliff drops, think splayed freshly cut deer, in half, think hunter s. thompson incarnate, think death mission, think the walls are crumbling… and though I am not on an adventure, an adventure which, at the time, opened pages, for my writing, and headphones and scribblings and a faucet poured out, was it trauma was it losing myself was it what I had been searching for the whole time, I know not. but I wrote for months. and I found that If I could just keep writing. If I could just keep listening. I could make it home –

fields of gold

I would light the smokes

for the two of us

so he could drive

my heart is a swinging pendulum of glitter and gold

that tossed in the breeze from my cigarette and the wind and the road and that saxophone solo and how free I felt like a dove or a raven or an owl at night surfing the unknown stars in the distance surfing the imaginary idea of future because when you’re a kid that’s what you do when you’re out in the wild unknown with your wild unknown friends and you cling to that you cling to what feels like comfort like casmere like making destitute a place of friendship like making loss a sense of coming together like endless bummer like true friends forever like riding a bicycle and all that wind in your hair like how everything coming at you is a welcome’d and perfect calm

everybody singing but me

we were promised jetpacks

damn. the energy in this is intense. it makes me feel things that I don’t want to feel. like, maybe there’s still some dark fog I left in the back of that drawer I’ve been cleaning out for decades I’m picturing a hallway. my hand forever reaching deeper and deeper it stretches there’s stuff everywhere not just pen caps and rubber bands or folded notes and scratched out poems there’s pictures on the wall there’s memories everywhere I can see them in the distance at first just colors then oozing colors like picture frames barfing dancing singing searching with my desperate digits combing spider man crawling slow and fuck man this album is amazing and fuck man where are you tyler? please come home

I’m a southern bouy

land locked or knot

I took a boat to a cloud

that wound up in the future

I am an expert swimmer

imagine bath

creepy keys

candles and

buffer

hold your memories close

we are not the

closed doors

we

suffer

the future is bright

may it cast it’s hidden secrecy in waves across our invisible shadows like deja vu like humidity and song like a fishing line and a guitar in a canoe on a lake at night alone a sea of stars glistening in the absence of memory –

we are nothing without who loves us

we can turn the tide

we can erase the moon

say when

tree beard

the mammoth and the moth

your heart

is the tree

i felt

when i

first

met you

my grief yr grief

i get lost in the details

i set sail for ambivalence

i get lost in the details