the writings of blake ellington larson

Category: 2016: darker poems

the second time I committed suicide

I was knee deep in cormac mccarthy’s all the pretty horses

I recorded nine hours of pink floyd onto a cassette tape from the radio

my brother and I lost in santa fe’s ugly summer / angry cacti

I quit taking my anti-depressants and took it out on our dog

that’s when I downed the rest and headed for new mexico’s endless oasis

the green belt

think empty and rusted cars

sun faded pornos

abandoned washing machines

a dark and moody patch of forever charcoal clouds on the horizon

I found a wallet

a bullet hole had pierced through it

I found a shady shrub and sat down

I felt nothing, only

the nothing was growing

inside me

and I realized I was dying

two songs found me then

jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam

and

things are going to get easier

I remember spilling apple juice all over the place

taking off my clothes

crawling into bed

I remember the stomach pump

waking up in a patient’s gown

watching green day’s basket case on the t.v.

they were wearing hospital gowns like me

my lips were blue

my hair was brown

I remember the sunflower fields in kansas

after I was cleared from the psych ward

I remember feeling at peace with everything

I have a hat

I do not wear my hat

I can’t stop breathing

it’s like everything inside me

just wants to

get away

I am

too

many postcards

to you

and who

I was

then

oh, memory, you sleepy sith

you tired traveler, you distant warrior, you imaginary me, (you turn into dreams, don’t you know?) like a river, I collect and let go of everything you have to offer, we’re cool like that, you and me and our collective un belief, you and I and our collective acceptance, you and I and our shared sun. you the moon to my earth, but, I remember, I do, and there you go again –

how evil the sun

shone so darkly powerful

in it’s brilliant defiance

of my grief

you are

where I’m at

my greatest image of you is

not a picture frame worthy

I am a lone cowboy

I do not have the photos

to prove it

I am an endless drought

of surging inspiration

 

of all things

music is memory

don’t pick the flowers

let it rain

elevator soul

glimmer and switch

glitter and twitch

wrestle with which

we were night’s welcomed dew

the two

of us

 

yr strings paint brushes

and you

paint

brushes

back

like you

I’m a nervous castle

like gristle on the grapevine

we were taut and taunt

ween and want

hungry

dear spirit/thunder

test me

I will best you

it was a new kind of dark

a poloroid postcard

a cardboard cut-out

neon dusk

in the autumn sun

when I go deaf

won’t you join me

fireball and all

shit and solace

steel mojitos around

we’ll toast the captain

set sail for spain

search for mermaids

herbie, the one eyed pirate shih tzu

 

survived katrina

but not the anesthesia

perched on the corner of the bed

with the cone of shame on

the last time I saw him

yesterday

every time I hear a siren

feels like

you’ve been

holding

your breath

ever since

you died

I am faded paper

limestone and yellow’d I am the sun and the strawberry moon and I collect daisies on the daydream walks I take from memory makes me hungry for Spring’s late night butterfly’s and I am nothing paper like steaming coffee or tea or perhaps there is no daydream and it’s always winter makes me fonder for the subtle things like mint and I have to wash my hands again

my new poem is not the song of the river

bloom and cotton

your final burden

exit:  stage left

enter:  curtain

bloom and cotton

your final curtain

exit:  stage left

enter:  burden

my butterflies are quiet

it’s not the wind

wakes ’em up

in the morning

my first thought is anxious

it collides with the pages in my cloud memory like books and cobwebs and candles and the smell of old wood and everything up close looks like words I’m making up in the moment and there’s no end to the wind

music is memory

let it sink in

I am a cloud of indecision

my antlers and my spirit animal dreams like cotton spread out abounding my mattress in kitty whisper nap time for years the alarm has been going off and we’re just about daybreak and the napkins aren’t enough this wind is treachery I’m glad we’re set studied on nervous noise and not that damned clicking from the window it is drowning the smell of old europe and I’m still not used to it damn the bridges and the locked doors and why am I on this ratchety train it smells like newspapers and sweat and that pigeon keeps staring at me and the clutter in the mildew like dew in the mornings is but fog on my windshield keeps catching up with me

people are like spiderwebs

carry a toothpick

I am the nothing dragon

hear me roar

two sunflowers

in the shade of

each other

taking turns

against

the sun

my new wind is blank paper

it shuffles to the sound water makes

makes clear what

doesn’t

float

 

 

my new heart is blown glass

it bows to the sound of winter

keeps cool-through

crescent moons

swoons

falls

drawls

for Autumn’s

grasshoppers

and frogs

yr love is the blanket of sun

keeps me

invisible warm

I am the nothing jasmine

and you are the cure

found a new home without you

like throwing rocks and gravel

this place

keeps changing

this island

isn’t us

anymore

i am haunt

i

want

you

when our souls were ships

 

yr parents took us to kawaii

and you were afraid of

deep sea diving

so we stuck to the waterfalls

and our guitars

and we came up with a shared philosophy;

the burden is upon us

and like the oddballs we were

I still have photos of us

smiling, when

we got into that airplane

half-knowing

half-hoping

we would die

together

my soul crux

my perpetual

soul crux

gets lost in you

truth, he said

tastes a lot like

fiction

we have roots

we grow

together

days are like rivers that

slow down enough

for you to

write on them

grief

is a powerful beast

the trouble with writing songs is

sometimes they

go boom