the second time I committed suicide

by blake ellington larson

I was knee deep in cormac mccarthy’s all the pretty horses

I recorded nine hours of pink floyd onto a cassette tape from the radio

my brother and I lost in santa fe’s ugly summer / angry cacti

I quit taking my anti-depressants and took it out on our dog

that’s when I downed the rest and headed for new mexico’s endless oasis

the green belt

think empty and rusted cars

sun faded pornos

abandoned washing machines

a dark and moody patch of forever charcoal clouds on the horizon

I found a wallet

a bullet hole had pierced through it

I found a shady shrub and sat down

I felt nothing, only

the nothing was growing

inside me

and I realized I was dying

two songs found me then

jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam

and

things are going to get easier

I remember spilling apple juice all over the place

taking off my clothes

crawling into bed

I remember the stomach pump

waking up in a patient’s gown

watching green day’s basket case on the t.v.

they were wearing hospital gowns like me

my lips were blue

my hair was brown

I remember the sunflower fields in kansas

after I was cleared from the psych ward

I remember feeling at peace with everything

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