the writings of blake ellington larson

Month: August, 2017

the beacon and the raft

and the oil and the smelt

the shimmer is slick

and the gold is fold

ing

letting go

is the pure blanket of clarity

that fills my days

sometimes

christmas potato head

my brother and I

touch the ceiling, touch the ceiling

break through it

the second time I committed suicide

I was knee deep in cormac mccarthy’s all the pretty horses

I recorded nine hours of pink floyd onto a cassette tape from the radio

my brother and I lost in santa fe’s ugly summer / angry cacti

I quit taking my anti-depressants and took it out on our dog

that’s when I downed the rest and headed for new mexico’s endless oasis

the green belt

think empty and rusted cars

sun faded pornos

abandoned washing machines

a dark and moody patch of forever charcoal clouds on the horizon

I found a wallet

a bullet hole had pierced through it

I found a shady shrub and sat down

I felt nothing, only

the nothing was growing

inside me

and I realized I was dying

two songs found me then

jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam

and

things are going to get easier

I remember spilling apple juice all over the place

taking off my clothes

crawling into bed

I remember the stomach pump

waking up in a patient’s gown

watching green day’s basket case on the t.v.

they were wearing hospital gowns like me

my lips were blue

my hair was brown

I remember the sunflower fields in kansas

after I was cleared from the psych ward

I remember feeling at peace with everything