everyone around you is greiving

Month: August, 2017

letting you go

is the pure blanket of clarity

that fills my days

touch the ceiling

touch the ceiling

break through it

The second time I committed suicide

I was knee deep in Cormac McCarthy’s All The Pretty Horses.

I recorded nine hours of Pink Floyd onto cassette tapes from a scratchy and faded Colorado station.

Lost in Santa Fe’s ugly summer, its angry cacti.

I quit taking my anti-depressants and bottomed out.

I downed the rest and headed for New Mexico’s endless oasis.

The green belt.

Think empty and rusted cars.

Sun faded porno’s.

Abandoned washing machines.

Suddenly, a dark and moody patch of forever-charcoal clouds shone on.

I found a wallet, with a bullet hole – pierced through.

I found a shady shrub and sat down.

I felt nothing.

And the Nothing was growing inside me.

And I realized I was dying.

Two songs found me then;

“Jesus Don’t Want me for a Sunbeam” and

“Things are Going to Get Easier.”

I remember spilling apple juice all over the place.

Taking off my clothes.

Crawling into bed.

I remember the stomach pump.

My lips were blue.

My hair was brown.

I remember the sunflower fields in Kansas.

Mom and I, on the road again.

And all those Black-Eyed Susan’s.

Winking at me.